Local Man’s Life Validated by Appearance on Jumbotron

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DENVER, CO – A lifetime of silliness was validated last week when local man Christopher Meens finally appeared on the Jumbotron during a Colorado Avalanche hockey game.

“You know, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, you know, wondering if I’ve been making the right decisions and (being on the jumbotron) has totally helped to, you know, let me know that I’m OK,” Meens said. “I broke up with my girlfriend of three years, moved to a new city and started taking college classes again, and for a while there, I thought that maybe I should just give up trying to be on the jumbotron, you know? I wasn’t even sure I was going to try to be on the jumbotron. But man, when “Cotton Eye Joe” came on, I just felt the urge to dance. When I looked up and saw myself on that big screen, and heard a couple people cheering, I knew that I had made the right choice.”

During a third period break in play, a camera man working at Pepsi Center found a dancing Meens in the crowd. The in-house entertainment coordinator then sent the live video feed of the dancing Meens to the Jumbotron for the entire audience to view.

“That dude was going at it like I’ve never seen before,” said camera operator Clarence Newhouse. “I’m used to seeing people that really, really, desperately want to be on the screen but this guy (Meens ) had something. We used to have a guy that would dance to ‘Cotton Eye Joe,’ but he couldn’t light (Meens’) farts. (Meens), he was just lost in the dance. Or he was high as fuck. I mean, weed is legal here so he may have just been feeling the music.”

Prior to appearing on the Jumbotron, Meens says he had begun to question his life choices and whether or not he should even continue existing.

“I don’t know if I was at the point of suicide, but looking back now I think I was getting close,” Meens said. “After Beth broke up with me and I moved from Littleton to Centennial, I was just on a downward spiral that I didn’t know how to get out of. But now, I have a new perspective on life. Being on the Jumbotron will do that to a person. When you’re on that Jumbotron, it’s just you and the dance and everyone else at the game. Nothing else matters. Unless you’re on the kiss cam. Then the kiss matters. But I’m sure the feeling is the same.”

Meens has attended several professional sporting events hoping to appear on the Jumbotron and has used a number of methods to get a camera operators attention including dancing, lip-syncing, waving frantically and even offering sexual favors. Prior to last week, Meens only other appearance on a Jumbotron was during a game where his entire seating section appeared on the screen.

“Being on the Jumbotron was everything I thought it would be. It’s a rush that few ever realize,” Meens said. “I’ve never done heroin, but I’m sure that doing heroin and being on the Jumbotron is about the same. I’ve even thought about trying heroin now just to see if the experience even comes close. I don’t think it will, but who knows, right?”

Meens hopes last week’s appearance will be the start of a regular appearance on Jumbotrons.

“It’s in me now,” said Meens. “I just gotta get back on there. I have to. If I don’t… I don’t know. But I have purpose in life now and I will do whatever it takes to keep this purpose. Whatever it takes. Even murder!”

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