Nautilus’ New Equipment Designed to Sit in Garage

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The new workout machine from Nautilus is designed to sit in a garage and collect dust.
The new workout machine from Nautilus is designed to sit in a garage and collect dust.

VANCOUVER, WA – Workout equipment manufacturer Nautilus has released a new home gym exercise machine that is designed to sit in the garage gathering dust for five years before going up for sale on Craigslist.

The new piece of equipment, called the DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter, is the first in the home gym market designed specifically to not be used.

“This new DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter will revolutionize home gyms,” said Nautilus spokeswoman, Andrea Butler. “We are aware, very aware, that most people who own home gym equipment do not use their home gym equipment. Our research suggests that four out of five piece of home gym equipment just sit in the garage or basement, gathering dust. So as a company, why would we not cater specifically to that market and just design a piece of equipment made to just sit there.”

While the DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter has a number of features that are designed to be confusing or difficult when used to exercise, but the gathering dust feature requires no set up or even involvement for the owner.

“We’ve built a number of complicated, truly difficult and honestly dangerous workouts into this machine but no one should really try those,” said Nautilus engineer, Franklin Dwight. “Those workouts are meant to just look like they will work. They are meant to solicit a ‘I bet that will help me get buff’ response but they don’t really even work. This is really just designed to sit in the garage gathering dust. In fact, we’ve coated the entire machine in a chemical that attracts dust.”

According to Butler, the most interesting feature of the DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter is that the machine will post it’s own for sale notice on Craigslist five years after it’s initial purchase.

“Posting exercise equipment on Craigslist is a real pain in the ass,” said Butler. “We are keenly aware of that so we built that feature in to the DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter. Our customers can rest assured that when they get the DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter they will never, ever have to think about again. Well, I guess you’ll have to let the person who ends up buying it in five years into the garage to get it but that’s it. You’ll have to touch the DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter twice.”

Consumers looking for home gym equipment are looking forward to the new equipment and several told The Scoop that they are already making room for the machine in the garage behind the snow sleds and their old camping equipment.

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to getting a DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter,” said Vince Haplurt. “I bought a AbZapper 5000 like, maybe 10 years ago and ended up putting that on Craigslist a couple years ago. I also need to think about getting back in shape. I’m not going to get back in shape but I definitely need to think about it. So this new DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter will really help with that. And the fact that it will post itself to Craigslist is a real nice feature.”

The DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter will sell for $499. When the DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter posts a for sale notice on Craigslist it will list “$50 O.B.O. – must come pick up” as the price.

As a follow-up to the DZ9001 Spiral Elliptical Strength Pressure Sitter, Nautilus plans to unveil a line of exercise machines that will primarily be used as clothing racks.

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