English World's Oldest Language

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CASPER, WY – In a discovery that will undoubtedly set the anthropological world on its proverbial ear, researchers from the University of Wyoming have uncovered proof that English, particularly American English, has been the dominant language in most of the world, throughout history.

“When we found these ‘historical documents,’ we were absolutely flabbergasted,” said Dewayne Gallia, Anthropological chair at the University of Wyoming. “One of the more recent ‘documents’ that we discovered was a tale from the Roman times dating back to around 440 A.D. It really is a fantastic tale about a great general who was betrayed by his ruler, only to rise up again as a popular gladiator. The tale was phenomenal, but the thing that interested us most was the fact that the characters, especially the gladiator Maximus, all spoke in a perfect English tone. It was incredible. Up till now we foolishly believed they spoke Latin!”

Research for the project began back in 1998 with a grant from the Natural History Museum of Wyoming. Gallia and a team of researchers and students were searching for historical evidence to prove an existing theory that English was the oldest known language. The discovery of the historical documents was made at a dig site 87 miles north-east of Casper.

“We certainly aren’t the first to come up with the idea that English is the mother language, we’re just the first to prove it. The theory has been around since the 1950s. I think some guy in Norland or Norway or something like that, came up with that. Or maybe I saw it on ‘In Search Of.’ Wasn’t that just the best show ever? God, if there was a more perfect role for Leonard Nimoy I don’t know what it is. That video of Bigfoot was amazing! How did they get that stuff?” said Gallia.

Gladiator stories are not the only evidence the researchers have found. Everything from religious tales to depictions of Neanderthal life have been found.

“We have found literally hundreds of thousands of these historical documents and each one shows us something new,” Gallia said. “The most amazing discoveries that we’ve made are religion oriented. Not only are they all English speaking people, but all the prophets, the apostles and even Jesus himself all were Caucasians! Can you believe that shit? Blew our minds. And here we thought that Jesus would have darker skin, much like all the other people in that region. This sheds new light on every aspect of history. In fact, we may have to completely rewrite history.”

The last discovery has Christian groups up in arms protesting and calling Gallia and his team “blasphemers.”

“Jesus Christ, our lord and savior is not a white man! To even mention this is appalling. Gallia and his team obviously have an agenda and we will show it to the world. Jesus was a Jewish, Israeli man. Not a Caucasian. Gallia will burn in hell,” said Christian Coalition President Bill Ferrer.

With the discovery has also come serious criticism from archeological groups outside the US. Most of which still maintain their native language is the oldest known language. Some, including Germany, have similar historical documents as the ones discovered by Gallia.

“Ve too have zi ‘hiztorical documounts.’ Ourz clearly show zet zi Gereman haz been zi laguage zince vell before zez bastards vere born.” Said Gunter Klienschmidt, German Archeologist.

Despite the angry cries of the opposition, Gallia is excited that future “documents” will give the world even more proof.

“We are very excited about what we’re going to find,” Gallia said. “Right now we’re just starting to view a recent discovery about the dinosaurs. I don’t want to say too much, but it looks like the dino’s were a lot more advanced than what was once believed and that they are even more hip than I am.”

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