WASHINGTON, DC – The President of the United States of America, Donald Trump, believes Alaska is an island and White House staffers and members of Trump’s cabinet have been unable to convince him otherwise.
“Yes, (Trump) thinks Alaska is an island. An island in the Pacific Ocean, somewhere near Hawaii,” said Secretary of the Interior, Ryan Zinke. “We keep trying to tell him it’s not an island but… I mean, he’s kinda not wrong. When you look at it on a map, it’s always alone, so you know, who are we to say that it’s not an island? One thing I can tell you for sure though is that it’s a pleasure working for my lord and President, Mr. Trump. It’s really a dream come true. He is super smart and in no way a huge fucked up man child.”
According to White House staff member, Roger Whoden, Trump believes Alaska is an island because maps of the United States of America often depict Alaska to the left of California and unconnected to Canada.
“When (Trump) looks at a map of the U.S. and sees Alaska displayed by itself in a box on the left hand side of the map he thinks that is where Alaska really is and that it’s an island in the Pacific,” said White House staffer, Johnathan McConnell. “We’ve all tried to tell him that Alaska is actually attached to Canada and not an island but he just points at the map and says ‘Alaska!’ over and over again until we give up and leave. You have to remember that Trump isn’t like other people. He is a dumb, dumb person so helping him understand things takes a significant effort.”
Several local geography teachers have been summoned to the White House to help teach Trump that Alaska is not an island but with no luck.
“I can kinda see how he would think that… if he were six-years-old but he is not six and at this point he really should know better,” said 2nd Grade teacher, Sharron Freemont. “But as we all know, Trump is a dumb, dumb, dumb man with a very low IQ so we should not be surprised that he thinks Alaska is an island. Really, I’m just scared for the day when he finds out that Mexico is part of North America. Can you imagine how that’s going to fuck up his head?”
Last week White House staffers took Trump to Alaska hoping to prove to him that Alaska is not an island but Trump fell asleep 10 minutes in to the trip and was not able to be woke until arriving in Alaska.
“(Trump) is like a child, in so many ways, but in one specific way he is like a child in that you put him in a car or on a plane and he’s asleep five minutes in to the trip,” said McConnell. “Even though we went through this huge tax payer funded trip to Alaska just to prove to him that Alaska is not an island he was asleep the whole time and missed it. Missed the whole thing.”
After learning that Trump believes Alaska to be an island, Fox News ran 56 hours of continuous broadcasting detailing Democratic conspiracies aimed at forcing Middle-Americans to think that Alaska is connected to Canada.
“It’s despicable that the Dems are trying to tell the good, honest American people that Alaska isn’t an island,” said Fox News host, Sean Hannity. “It’s just another lie in a string of lies. Next they’re probably going to try to tell us that lemon is the best flavor of Life Savers. It’s sick I tell you, how low those Dems will go to undermine the genius and visionary that we have in the White House.”