HOLLYWOOD, CA – Actress Jennifer Lawrence has asked every male on the planet Earth to remove her name from their individual bucket lists.
“I know that my name is on your bucket list, and while I’m kind of flattered, I’m also really creeped out so please remove my name from your bucket list because there is no way in hell I will ever got out with you… unless you are fucking crazy rich and also crazy hot,” said Lawrence.
Lawrence suggested that men should put something more attainable on their bucket list instead of her name.
“I get it, I really do. If I weren’t me, I’d want to fuck me too,” said Lawrence. “But come on, I have my pick of guys, and I can tell you, it isn’t going to be Gary Rene from Skokie, IL. Sorry Gary, but it isn’t going to happen. I suggest that you go with someone else, someone a little past her prime, like Jessica Chastain. That bitch will fuck anyone. Trust me!”
According to a recent report from the National Bucket List Institute (NBLI) over 80% of males, regardless of age, race, and sexual orientation have “Jennifer Lawrence” listed on their bucket list.
“When you think about it, it makes sense,” said founder of the NBLI, Mike Edwards. “I mean she is exceptionally attractive and very famous and probably wealthy. Throw in the fact that there is always the chance that you could convince her to wear the Mystique makeup from the X-Men movies, and it makes it even more tantalizing. On the flip side, I suppose she would probably want to dress up like Katniss and that would be a little disturbing. Not disturbing enough to not bang her, but still… Weird.”
Lawrence is the only celebrity on the list and the NBLI says there is no corresponding name on bucket lists of women.
“There are definitely some famous men that show up on the bucket lists of women but no single name appears on more than 3% of bucket lists made by women,” said NBLI Statistician, Gloria Munster. “I guess women just like to spread their interests around. Benedict Cumberbatch is about as popular as it gets and he’s only on 2.8% of women’s bucket lists. Or maybe it’s just that there isn’t a single man as hot and as amazing and as fun as Jennifer Lawrence is. To be honest, ‘Jennifer Lawrence’ appears on about 40% of women’s bucket lists.”
When asked why they have Lawrence on their bucket lists, most men responded the same: she’s hot.
“Seriously, have you seen her? She looks like and angel and a butterfly had a baby,” said Chad Chaffee, 38, of Grover, PA. “I mean, I would probably settle for someone like Emma Stone, or hell, Christina Ricci, but if you’re going to go out, might as well go out on top. Of Jennifer Lawrence. As you’re fucking her. Am I right? High five! What? I’m not gross, you’re gross!”