WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has been standing at the wall of the Oval Office for over an hour scratching at a spot on the wall.
“You see this, this is unbelievable,” said Trump. “How can something like this happen? I’m the greatest President in the history of the world. Look at this office. No one has ever decorated it like I have. I’ve got pictures of my daughter, who is insanely beautiful. Probably the most beautiful woman in the entire universe, and that’s because my genes are so incredible. Look at her. Just look at her. Just… her. But now there’s this spot on the wall. Who puts spots on walls? I think Obama left it as a trap for me. He’s been trying to undermine me ever since I won. You know I won more votes than any president ever? It’s true, look at the numbers. I had more votes than there are people in this country. That’s how badly I beat that crooked Hillary. I am super smart. This spot… I’m gonna just scratch it. Scratch… it. Scratch scratch scrath.”
White House Staffers have confirmed the spot is caused by a reflection from a bell sitting on the Trump’s desk.
“It’s from that thing right there, the bell that says ‘World’s Greatest Bell’ on it for some reason,” said White House Aide, Marsha Kingsly. “Why does it say that? What makes it the world’s greatest bell? It doesn’t ring. It doesn’t really do anything but sit there. Yet there it is, on his desk, causing the little reflection on the wall. Now we have to deal with this idiot insisting that Obama is doing things to mess with his head. You see, (Trump) is a dumb, dumb man. Hell, he probably wouldn’t even be considered a smart two-year-old.”
After identifying the source of the spot, staffers tried to move the bell but Trump told them to put the bell back.
“When we first noticed that (the spot) was bothering (Trump) so much, we tried to move the bell to the other side of the desk,” said United States Trade Representative, Robert Lighthizer. “We figured if it was out of direct light, there would be no reflection and (Trump) could get back to doing whatever it is he does at his desk. But we were told, in no uncertain terms, that if the bell was not back in its original place next to Princess Twilight Sparkle, we would be looking for a new job faster than Jeff Sessions. Needless to say, it’s now back next to Twilight Sparkle. Excuse me, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
At one point in the last hour a cloud moved across the sun, causing the spot to temporarily disappear. With the spot gone, Trump moved back towards his desk. However, the cloud moved away from the sun, bringing the spot back. Trump noticed, returned to the wall, and resumed scratching at the spot.
“The really sad thing is the look of joy that came over his face when the spot went away, like he had finally defeated all of his foes and he was now free to enter Valhalla,” said Kingsly. “For that moment, he looked truly happy. Triumphant even. But then the sun came back out and it all started again. I can’t believe that people elected this guy. Really, he’s got the mental capacity of a cat. A really, really dumb cat. A cat that got hit by a car when it was young and suffered a lot of brain damage.”
To remove the possibility of future distractions, the White House is currently drafting plans to build a 100 foot tall sun shade to block the sun from shining on the bell. The sun shade is expected to cause 135 million dollars.