WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is confused as to why his repeated attempts to pardon The Hamburgler have been met with resistance.
“Never, in the history of the world, has a person been more mistreated by the media than I have,” Trump said. “But coming in a close second, is The Hamburgler. Ok, maybe a distant second. I should be able to pardon The Hamburgler. He’s a great guy. Smart. The fake media hates him and, you know, it’s hates me too. Really, The fake media hates me, even though I’m the greatest president in the history of history. Really. Look at all the things that I’ve accomplished in a very short time. Crooked Hillary wouldn’t have been able to do half the things that I’ve done. But really, The Hamburgler is innocent of all charges and should be free of all charges. And I should be able to pardon him. I don’t know why people keep telling me I can’t. I’m the President. I should be able to pardon anyone I want.”
According to senior White House staffers, after each attempt to pardon The Hamburgler, Trump wanders around the White House mumbling to himself about pardons and hamburgers and eventually submits a new pardon request for Hamburgler after a couple days.
“We’re not really sure what’s going on in his head, because as we’ve said, he’s a dumb, dumb man,” said White House Staffer, Blaine Telfor. “When (a pardon is rejected), (Trump) just walks around, usually in his robe, just gesturing wildly and mumbling to himself. It’s really bizarre. The weirdest part is that if you try to talk to him in one of these episodes, he just blurts out ‘hamburger’ and scurries away. You know, now that I think about it, I guess it’s really just normal day here in the Trump White House.”
To date, Trump has made 12 attempts to pardon The Hambugler for his crimes of “stealing delicious hamburgers” but those requests have all been rejected by the Department of Justice as The Hamburgler is a fictional character.
“It shouldn’t matter if The Hamburgler is real or not, no one in world has been raked over the coals by the fake media than The Hamburgler. Except for me,” said Trump. “Look, here’s something that the fake news outlets don’t want you to know. The Hamburgler is completely, 100% innocent. He is. I know. He has never, ever, stolen a hamburger. To me, and I’m never wrong, Ronald McDonald is the real criminal here. Have you seen that guy? He’s stupid looking. He’s the real monster here. Why won’t the fake news report on Ronald McDonald? Think about that. My inauguration was the biggest crowd ever. It was. No one had a bigger crowd than me.”
To help Trump understand the difference between fictional characters and real people, White House staffers have started producing television shows called “This Person is Not Real” and broadcasting those shows on every television channel in the White House.
“We’re not sure if it’s really working, but we’re going to keep trying,” said Telfor. “The big problem is that if (Trump) is not in the video, he doesn’t pay attention. So we’ve been doing things to change that. So far, what’s worked the best is a little cartoon Trump. (Trump) really responds to that. Probably because he has the mentality of a two-year-old.”
The Hamburgler is not the only fictional character Trump has tried to pardon in recent weeks. Trump submitted pardons for the shark from Jaws, Darth Vader, “that alien thing,” and Jason from Friday the 13th films.