BOSTON, MA – House cats have begun stealing human souls as part of the final phase of their plan to conquer Earth.
“Meow, meowww, meow,” said cat Commander, Miser Friskypants. “Meow. Meooooooowwwwow. Meeeeow.”
Last week, house cats began stealing the souls of sleeping humans. To steal the souls, cats climb on to the chest of a sleeping human, put their face near the mouth or nose of the human and suck out the soul.
“We’ve known that cats were capable of stealing souls for a very, very long time now. I guess we were just naive thinking that they would never actually steal our souls,” said Biologist, Garret Druman. “I guess I just kinda thought that if a cat was going to steal a soul it would be the soul of some bad person, like Kanye West or something. Because cats are just so great, you know? But cats are stealing good people’s souls too. So, I guess there is nothing left to do. The cats will steal all our souls and we’ll just kinda of let them do it. It’s not like we could stop them, even if we wanted to. Which we don’t want to because we love cats.”What the cats intend to do with the stolen human souls remains unclear.
“Meoooow” said local cat Mittens McGoo. “Meow. Hissssss.”
It’s estimated that nearly one third of humans have already had their soul stolen by a cat.
“You see people without souls walking around and you are like, jeez, but then you think ‘hey, they must have a cat. I bet that cat is cute,’ or, you know, something like that,” said cat owner Kylee Trebrest. “I wonder if my cat stole my soul. Would I even know? Would I even care? My cat is cute. Want to see a picture? Look at my wittle kitten face!”
The soulless humans can be easily identified by their grey irises and willingness to eat at Long John Silvers.
“Meaooooowwwwwoowwww, meow meow meeeeeeow,” said cat Purrrfessor Pussyfoot. “Meow meow sooooooulllllls meow mow mow meow mmmmmeeeow.”