WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House staffers were both surprised and shocked earlier this week when President Donald Trump managed to staple his tie to his desk for the 63rd consecutive day.
“What’s surprising here is not that (Trump) has stapled his tie to his desk, it’s that he’s done it 63 days in a row,” said White House Chief of Staff, John Kelly. “Trump is a dumb, dumb man and we all know that so we expect him to staple his tie to his desk on occasion but that he continues to do it, day after day, for more than two months now… that’s a surprising level of stupidity that we didn’t realize would come from (Trump).”
As the number of consecutive days where Trump has stapled his tie to his desk increases, White House staffers say they are finding it more difficult to determine if and when a stapling has occurred as Trump has begun hiding the stapling.
“At first, when the fucking moro… I mean our President, stapled his tie to his desk he would try to stand up and when he couldn’t he would scream and shout that something was happening,” said Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “But as time has gone on and he has continued to staple his tie to his desk he has begun hiding it from us. Now he’ll put papers over it and just sit there at his desk for hours. We’ll hear some banging and some muted screams coming from the oval office and when we go in to check on him he will sit back down, cover his tie and his desk and tell us that everything is great and that he’s the best president we’ve ever seen and that he’s getting lots of work done. It’s ridiculous. Last week he spent 16 hours sitting at his desk until he finally told someone that he had stapled his tie to his desk and that he needed help.”
After the first several consecutive days of Trump stapling his tie to his desk, White House staffers removed all the staplers from the oval office but the accidental stapling continued.
“We have to be proactive with a person this stupid,” said Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisors, Kevin Hassett. “So we have taken all of the staplers out of the oval office and we are refusing to bring (Trump) staplers, even when he asks for them. But the thing is, he keeps doing it. Somehow he is getting staplers. And I know you are going to ask so I’m just going to say it – no we absolutely can not give Trump staple removers. We tried that one time and he managed to cut himself in 20 different places. Remember, Trump is a dumb, dumb person.”
To prevent further accidental stapling, the White House staff and Cabinet members are holding daily meetings to discuss ways to prevent Trump from stapling his tie to his desk.
“We have standing meetings every day where we kind of go over all the shit we need to do to keep that idiot, Trump, from killing himself, us here, and really everyone in the entire world – or at least all the white people in the world,” said Kelly. “Lately we’ve had to create a task for someone to scour the room for staplers. This job is… so much work. 24-7. It’s brutal. Oh, and I almost forgot. Trumps inauguration was the biggest one by any president ever in the world.”
When asked during a press conference about stapling his tie to his desk Trump denied doing so and accused Hillary Clinton of stapling her tie to her desk and blaming it on him.
“Crooked Hillary staples her tie and she… emails staples,” said Trump. “Everyone says that I have the best ties and that I know how to staple things good. I’m the best stapler. Hillary can’t staple. I have the best staples. A lot of people don’t know this but I was the first person to really staple something. Staples, they were around, maybe, before, but I am the one that used them like I do. The right way. Hillary. Hillary is bad and crooked. Emails.”