WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has been standing at the bottom of a staircase in the White House waiting for the stairs to start moving, thinking the staircase is an escalator.
“Right now we can confirm that the President is standing at the bottom of a staircase in the east wing of the White House waiting for the staircase to turn in to an escalator and carry him to the second floor,” said White House Fellow, Ken Destrost. “This is not a rare occurrence. Remember that Trump is a dumb, dumb man so this type of thing happens often and we are prepared. We are capable of retrieving the President and getting him back to the oval office we just… we have not done that at this time. But if any urgent matters come up we will immediately retrieve the President and make sure he gets to where he needs to be.”
White House Staffers are currently debating about how long they should let Trump stand at the staircase.
“(Trump) has been there, at the bottom of the staircase for about two hours now and there is some debate as to how long we should just let him stand there,” said Special Assistant to the President and Personal Aide to the President, John McEntee. “On one hand, he has a lot to do and there is a huge number of things that need his attention, since he ignores most of his duties, but on the other hand, when he is there at the staircase he isn’t doing anything that could start World War Three or watching tv. So yeah… right now that’s the discussion that’s happening. Also, no one wants to go get him because he is a dick.”
According to White House staffers, Trump often assumes staircases are escalators and will wait several hours for the stairs to move and carry him to the second floor.
“There are parts of the White House that Trump has never seen,” said White House staffer, John Restler. “I’m not sure why he just doesn’t use the elevators. When we recently remodeled the White House we considered turning all the staircases in to escalators but we figured that was a waste. Trump won’t be here long and it’s simply not possible that the next President will be as dumb as (Trump).”
Senior White House staffers have distributed guides to all White House employees and guests for approaching and distracting Trump when he becomes “stuck.”
“We’ve implemented a number of processes and procedure on how to handle the President,” said Deputy Assistant to the President and Deputy Staff Secretary, Derek Lyons. “We hand those documents out and train all new staff and all visitors to those processes and procedures. But really, the main thing to remember is to just pretend everything is normal and don’t shout ‘what the fuck is wrong with that guy’ because then the President will become enraged and start firing everyone. That’s what happened to *(James) Comey.”
At press time the Trump was unavailable for comment as he was still standing at the bottom of a staircase in White House waiting for the stairs to start moving thinking the staircase is an escalator.