HOBOKEN, NJ – After years of debate, an independent group of researchers has finally put a value system to the world of “fun” and the concept of “funny.” The group, lead by Randolph Bacon, a self proclaimed master of fun, was funded in part by the Nestea Corporation to find out exactly what is the funniest thing on earth.
“When we started this little project, we weren’t real sure how it would turn out. I mean we all had such different opinions about what was funny,” Bacon said. “And after years of studying and research we have proved what was once just a theory. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, is funnier that a barrel of monkeys. While we had all heard the saying, we thought it was just a bit of poppycock. Actually, that’s on the list too, saying the word ‘poppycock.’ It has that whole ‘did you just say puppy cock?’ thing goin’ on with that one. Both poppy and cock are independently humorous, but the whole word, that’s way below the barrel of monkeys on the list. I mean even the word monkey is fun to say. Actually, all words that have a ‘k’ in them are funny, like poppycock. Except for Ku Klux Klan. That’s not that funny.”
Bacon and his team spent several years collecting data about things and ideas humans considered humorous. The ideas and objects were then put through a rigorous testing schedule to determine the exact “funny” potential. Missing from the final list of “1000 funniest things” are some surprises. The TV show “America’s Funniest Home Videos” and the satirical online newspaper The Scoop News were not on the list.
Following the barrel of monkeys on the list is the second funniest thing in the world: midgets and dwarves. Though midgets/dwarves are number two on the list, the humor rate is well below that of monkeys in a barrel. Rounding out the top three is Michael Jackson’s penis.
“We were surprised by the fact that midgets were so far behind the monkeys. Hell, I would have put them at number one on my list. I think them little bastards are just so damn funny and they are all so damn cute,” Bacon said. “But sadly, nothing can touch the monkeys. Perhaps the only thing that could even remotely come close would be a barrel full of midgets dressed like monkey’s. With this, you still have the whole monkey vibe goin’. The only thing with this would be that you couldn’t get too many midgets in a barrel. Unless of course you just jammed the little bastards in there. Or maybe if you cut them up and removed some limbs, that just might do the trick. Then you would have midgets, dressed like monkeys, bleeding, going crazy because of the shock and missing body parts. Hear that? I just laughed. I may be on to something here. This will have to be tested. But as it stands, just monkeys in a barrel is the most fun thing we humans know.”
Bacon’s team is currently furthering the thesis by finding out how many monkeys are mandatory for the situation to become fun.
“There are definitely some things we still don’t know,” researcher William Bents said. “Like how many monkeys. What kind of monkeys. Live or dead monkeys. I’m sure you get the picture. We are working with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals to make sure all monkeys are treated with respect. One thing we know for sure is that abused and molested monkeys are not funny. Not at all. On a similar note though, some of those PETA people are fucking weird-o’s They make me laugh, but not in a funny way. More like a creepy ‘I know what you did to your dog’ sorta way.”
If the project remains on track, Bacon and his team will have the final report, including the exact number of monkey needed, done by late November.