WASHINGTON, DC – Sitting on the floor outside the office of the White House Physician, President Donald Trump is refusing to get up and leave until he is given a sucker.
“Right now I can confirm that the President, the most smartest man in the world, and who I thank every day for giving me this opportunity to work for him, he is sitting on the floor outside of the White House Physician’s office, after a very successful visit where the President was given the best health grade possible, um… where was I? Oh yeah, the President is sitting on the floor outside of the physician’s office crying and demanding a sucker,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “I want to reiterate that this is perfectly normal behavior for a man of Trump’s age and excellent mental capabilities. This is not weird at all.”
Prior to becoming President, Trump said that he has always received a sucker after a doctor visit.
“I want a sucker! I always get a sucker! I’m not leaving this place until I get my sucker!” shouted Trump from the floor outside of the White House Physician’s office. “I want a sucker! Sucker! Sucker! Sucker! Sucker! Sucker! Sucker!”
According to a spokesperson for the White House Physician’s office, there currently are no suckers in the office.
“We tried using other sweets and candy to lure the president back to work but he is pretty stubborn and he wants a sucker and he will not take anything but a sucker,” said White House staffer, Garret Fredericks. “You have to remember that in addition to being stubborn, almost to the point of illness, Trump is a dumb, dumb person. Historically dumb. So if we don’t get him exactly what he is expecting, no matter what that is, he is likely to just sit there forever. We are lucky he even went to the doctor. When he found out the doctor’s name wasn’t Dr. Mario he refused to go. We ended up just telling him that the doctor’s name isn’t Dr. Mario but Dr. Mario is his nickname. The hoops we have to jump through…”
White House staffers are scrambling to get a sucker to the President, so important meetings can continue on schedule.
“Right now there are 10 Russian… dignitaries sitting alone on the Oval Office while we try to get Trump up and to the office. Hopefully we’ll be able to do that soon. We probably shouldn’t leave the Russians alone in there for this long,” said Fredericks.
As several incidents such as this have occurred over the last year, surprising White House staffers, White House Chief of Staff, John Kelly, has scheduled brainstorming meetings for staff to prepare for future problems.
“I want all of our stuff to think like Trump and try to come up with potential issues that will prevent work from getting done,” said Kelly. “So all of our stuff will pretend like they are Trump, or like a 5-year-old, and wander around the White House looking for issues or distractions. We will then record any observations and come up with plans to potentially deal with the issues. Hopefully we won’t have problems like this again but, as we’ve told you time and time again, the President is fucking dumb.”
When asked what kind of sucker Trump expects after a doctor visit, Trump said “the best one” making it difficult to figure out exactly what Trump is expecting.
“Sucker!” said Trump.