WASHINGTON, DC – Several physicians have proposed a sweeping review of all medical procedure names with the possibility of renaming those procedures to “something a little happier.”
“Medical procedures, many of them, have confusing or scary names to lay people,” said physician, Barb Costington. “When I would meet with a patient and tell them I was going to suggest a Tonsillectomy they would get scared and confused and immediately shut down. If I instead told them I was going to suggest they get a Little Danglybob Outy, well, that same patient will likely feel much better about it. Who wouldn’t want a Little Danglybob Outy? It sounds like one of those Telletubbies. Kids still like those things, right? I mean not the weird one, but the rest of them. Whatever. Everyone likes funny names.”
The review of medical procedure names started after a discussion between Costington and another physician about the hesitation their patients have to certain procedures.
“Several months ago I was chatting with another physician friend of mine, Randall McWinther, and we were, well, we were completely fucked up,” said Costington. “I’m serious. We were fucking torn up, as the kids say. I was at the tail end of a three day coke bender, (McWinther) was with a prostitute who looked like Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials. As I’m watchig them (McWinther) turns to me, mid thrust, and says ‘I’m givin’ this lass a Poopsie Doodle.’ The thing was, they were engaged in anal intercourse at the time, and since he was also very, very high on God knows what, those silly words just came out. But that comment struck a chord with us. Eventually he came on her back, I threw up and we started working this idea in to something bigger.”
Costington pulled togeher a small group of physicians to come up with new names for procedures that they consider particularly scary for patients.
“A lot of people don’t like to talk about medical procedures, but with these new naming system, things should be a lot easier to digest,” said Chief of Staff at Cleveland Childrens Hospital, Brian Dey. “So what we’ve decided to do take out the weird factor. Everyone knows that the suffix ‘ectomy’ means removal. So a genitalectomy, means the removal of ones genitals. That sounds horrible and terrifying. So we decided that ‘outy’ is a much better replacement for ‘ectomy.’ In the same vein, genitals is a gross term that now has many negitive connontations so we’re instead using the term ‘hoojooweejoo.’ So now, a genitalectomy is a hoojooweejoo outy. See, that is so much better.”
The Society of Hospital Medicine has agreed to meet and discussion the renaming recommendations from Costington’s group.
“We think that Costington’s group is on to something, but I think that a few of their terms need a little work,” said Michael Younk, President of the Society of Hospital Medicine. “For instance they are reccomending that breasts be renamed PinchyBags. While I agree that PinchyBags are an accurate name for breasts, it’s just a little too crude for the general public. We’re suggesting that breasts should be renamed JigglyBoomBoomBags and so a mastectomy will become a JigglyBoomBoomBagsouty.”