LINDENWOLD, NJ – As the economy continues to struggle, more and more companies are facing difficult cut backs in order to maintain operations. This week, fast food giant McDonald’s announced it too would be forced to layoff employees.
The “reorganization” will include the layoff of two employees, at two different locations. Although the cuts seem rather small in comparison to the recent layoffs in the tech industry, McDonald’s management insists the layoffs are necessary to continue with the current business plan.
“Things like this are never easy to go through but we must be true to the business plan and the investors. We have obligations and there simply isn’t room and money for these two individuals,” said McDonald’s spokesman, Edward Frendale.
The two employees to be laid off are Erik Jenkins of Evansville, Indiana and Hector Garcia of Tucson, Arizona. Both will not receive an extended compensation or severance package, as both were said to be less than “ideal” employees.
“Yeah, um, Erik is what I like to call a problem employee. I have personally caught him masturbating using cheese slices 3 times… in the last week” said Jenkins manager, Ben Ranson. “And that’s the only three times he showed up. He was supposed to work 40 hours, but showed up for a total of 8. What with the cheese incident and the whole McChicken issue, we felt that his continued employment was a detriment to the company.”
Hector Garcia was the lucky recipient of the layoff chosen out of fifty other possible employees. Ten of these runner-ups were from his store, number 711, alone.
“Mr. Garcia was selected because of his sadistic fetish which was, quite honestly, disgusting and disturbing his other co-workers,” Garcia’s general manager Bob Yankin explained. When pressed for further information, Mr. Yankin stated, “Mr. Garcia got off on sticking his dick in the fry vats. Yeah, I know our motto is ‘We love to see you smile’ but that’s just fucking sick. And good God, the smell was horrible. It was kinda like when you let a dead cat stay on the driveway too long, and everyday you run over it, grinding it a little more into the pavement.”
Jenkins and Garcia are both upset with the company’s decision and have both expressed their anger with the layoffs.
“What the fuck man! They can’t fuckin’ do that shit! I fuckin’ worked there for 3 months now and this is how they treat me? I’m gonna sue the shit outta them and then buy the fuckin’ company,” said Jenkins.
When asked to comment on the layoffs, Ronald McDonald, mascot for the multi-million dollar conglomerate, stated, “Well, shit, as long as I get paid my motha-fuckin’ money every week, I don’t give a rat’s ass who they axe.”
The Grimace and the Hamburgler could not be reached for comment as they are currently vacationing in the Bahamas.