CONWAY, AR – A local woman has been arrested for allegedly conspiring with Russian agents to ruin her ex-boyfriend’s birthday.
“After investigating claims made by Mr. Jake Silvestri, we have reason to believe Russians colluded with a local woman to ruin Mr. Silvestri’s birthday,” said Federal Bureau of Investigation agent, Seth Abrobmich. “Russian sponsored agents, including hackers and spies, appear to have sabotaged Mr. Silvestri’s birthday at the suggestion of a local woman who, let me check my notes… a local woman who thinks that Mr. Silvestri is a ‘total asshole.’”
Silvestri’s said his birthday was ruined when his bank card was stolen, his dog ran away, he developed a weird rash on his foot, and only a few people attended his party after rumors spread that Silvestri was in an incest cult. It was later discovered that these events, except for the rash, were orchestrated by Silvestri’s ex-girlfriend Jaime Burns in collusion with Russian agents.
“Look, I’m not that into birthdays, you know? Like, birthday’s just aren’t a big deal to me but my last birthday fucking sucked and it was all (Burns’) fault,” said Silvestri. “I know I’m probably not the best boyfriend ever but Jesus fucking Christ man. I’m pretty sure I didn’t deserve (Burns) working with fuckin’ Russians to destroy my life, let alone my birthday.”
According to Federal investigators, Burns and Silvestri had recently ended a relationship. Shortly after the breakup, Burns contacted Russian agents to ruin Silvestri’s birthday party.
“Ms. Burns was upset with conclusion of her relationship with Silvestri. According to interviews conducted of those close to both Burns and Silvestri, Burns was hoping to marry Silvestri and produce offspring in the near future but Silvestri was… let me read my notes here… Silvestri ‘got all weird and shit about everything’ and the couple ended their relationship. Burns then became angry and began working with foreign agents to… let me check my notes again… to ‘get back at that sonofabitch.’ Kids today, you know what I mean?“
Burns contacted the Russian agents initially through Craigslist posts and eventually met in person to plan ways to ruin Silvestri’s birthday.
“People don’t realize this but Craigslist is actually 93% Russian agents,” said International Affairs expert, Tessa Montgomery. “But the Russian Collusion community listing on Craigslist is a real hot spot. That community is full of people requesting help from Russia for all sorts of things. A couple years ago someone posted about getting help with an election. I’m not sure how that turned out but yeah, you can get Russia to help you with just about anything by going to Craigslist.”
In statements made to investigators and in court filings, Burns maintains that she had nothing to do with the events that occurred on Silvestri’s birthday.
“Jake is a jerk and that new girl he is seeing is a total skank but I didn’t do any of this collusion. This is a WHICH HUNT!” stated Burns according to court transcripts. “And even if I did collude, which I didn’t, it isn’t a crime so I’m not guilty of anything. Which HUNT!”
In the last several years, Russians have worked to influence American politics and create discord in American society.
“Russia is very interested in making the destruction of Americans,” said Russian Oligarch, Dimitri Rudulov. “Americans are very dumb and easy to manipulate and Russia will continue to laugh at Americans as Russia ruins every American birthday until Russia gets gold medal for 1980 Olympic Hockey which was stolen from Russia by Americans!”