CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has pulled its new Measure app from iPhones and iPads after thousands of men complain the app does not accurately measure the length of their penises.
“(Apple) has received a very a large number of complaints from mostly white men that tried to measure their penis with the Measure app and didn’t like the measurement that the app provided because they thought their penises were much larger. So based on that overwhelming number of complaints as to the app’s accuracy, we are removing the Measure app from all iPhones and iPads,” said Apple spokeswoman, Gretta Ziegler. “We apologize to all the men out there that tried to measure their penises with the app and received a measurement that they did not agree with.”
Shortly after releasing the new Measure app, Apple began receiving complaints from men around the world who had used the app to measure their penis but were unhappy with the measurement provided in the app.
“I know for a fact that my dick is at least nine inches long but this stupid fuckin’ app says it’s only three and a half,” said iPhone user, John Nolan. “That Measure app is fuckin’ broke. Apple needs to make sure that if they release something for people to measure their dicks… that shit better work. I thought Trump was supposed to fix this! (Trump) should tariff Apple. Yeah. That would get things fixed.”
To address the complaints with the Measure app, Apple says they have assigned a development team of all white males to review the code.
“It goes without saying that white men are the most insecure when it comes to the penis size,” said Apple lead app engineer, Abhijeet Wabasi. “To that end, we’ve hired a development team of only white men. While we are sure there is nothing wrong with the actual measurement system, there is definitely something wrong with how white men understand the universe so that is where we will spend our resources.”
Apple has not provided a timeline for a rerelease of the app but for customers wishing to measure their penis while the Measure app is being redesigned, Apple will sell an “analog measure app” in Apple stores.
The “analog measure app” is a tape measure that comes in two different varieties, one intended for white men, and one intended for everyone else.
“The ‘analog measuring app’ for white men will be a three-to-one scale, meaning the measurements will read three times larger than reality,” said Ziegler. “The other, normal ‘analog measuring app’ will be a one-to-one scale. This should meet both requirements of providing accurate measurements and keep white men happy and self-secure. We are experimenting with a half-to-one measurement tool for white men to give to their African American friends, but that’s not a sure thing at the moment.”
The “analog measure app” will retail for $75, and, as of press time there is no release date for the updated app.