DENVER, CO – After recent snowstorms wreaked havoc in cities across the country, God has apologized saying he made the decision to create the winter storms after “half listening to some eight-year-old’s prayer.”
“I wasn’t actually paying real close attention to the details of the prayer and where the kid praying was from – I just remembered something about a snow-day from school. So I just kinda threw together a big-ass fuckin’ storm and ordered it to blast through pretty much all of the U.S. just to cover all the bases,” said God. “And, as I said, I was a little distracted so, well, let’s just say things got a bit out of control.”
God received backlash over the storms as dozens of people were killed and countless buildings were damaged or destroyed by large amounts of snow and sub-zero temperatures.
“I don’t know why (God) had to go and make this big storm and kill all them peoples,” said Evansville, IN resident, Freda Arlene Buwski. “Sometimes I think that (God) is just a real big jerk or like not even listening to us. I asked him for the megabucks numbers but he didn’t give me ‘em. No disrespect, though. But seriously, that storm there was a dick move.”
According to God’s assistants, the prayer God was responding to was a prayer from eight-year-old, Katniss Lewiston who prayed for a snow day so she would not have to go to school.
“I don’t know why I picked… whatever her name is… um, her prayer. Maybe her high pitched voice just cut through,” said God. “Yeah, maybe I should have listened to what she was asking for and maybe I should have paid attention to where she was but it was a long day so whatever. All I remembered was snow, and I was in the middle of watching the new Walking Dead, and I just threw something out there.”
Admitting that he rarely pays attention to prayers, God ordered Mother Nature to create the storms, an order which Nature ultimately fulfilled.
“I got a call from God at like, 3am and he… he sounded really drunk or really high. Way more messed up than usual,” said Mother Nature. “He mumbled something about angles and then ‘kids today’ and then told me to send this storm that he made to cover all of North America. I asked him if he was sure and he said ‘yes’ so what am I supposed to do? If I say ‘no’ to him he’ll turn me into a newt or something gross like that. He is really mean when he is high.”
To date God has not answered any prayers asking for a reprieve in winter weather, choosing instead to concentrate on picking his NCAA tournament bracket.
“People might be pissed off about all the snow and cold weather but, you know, just deal,” said God. “It won’t last forever and I got to get this bracket filled out before Dan closes his submissions and I miss out on my college basketball picks.”
Although Lewiston’s prayer was answered, she was unavailable for comment as her and her family were killed in a traffic accident while driving in blizzard-like conditions.