WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fresh from a visit to London, President Donald Trump made the surprise announcement that the United States will export gasoline to England as he was made aware England uses petrol rather than gasoline.
“(England) doesn’t have any gas. Did you know that? How can England not have gas?” said Trump. “There is a real good opportunity there. I’m the best businessman, and I’m very good at the business and when I see an opportunity like this I jump on it. So when I see a county that doesn’t have gas I think ‘hey, we should sell that country gas!’ That’s how great my brain works. I have the best brains. Everyone thinks so. The Amazon guy, I like to refer to him as the Amazon guy, he wishes he had a brain like I have a brain because then he could have ideas like selling gas to England. Instead of coming up with ideas like this, that Amazon Guy is too busy screwing around on his wife. He’s not even smart enough to have someone pay off the tabloids!”
According to an unnamed source, Trump did not tell anyone on his staff about the announcement and it appears he had the idea just moments before the press conference.
“(Trump) surprised us with this one,” said an unnamed source in the White House. “You have to remember, above everything else, Trump is a stupid, stupid person. Historically stupid. He had no idea that petrol and gasoline are the same thing and that England already has plenty of gasoline or petrol and that we can’t just sell England gas. He really should just stay in his room and leave the government to us and the lobbyists.”
Although it is almost impossible for the United States to export gasoline to England, Trump said it will definitely happen.
“I will make it legal for the U.S. to sell gasoline to England,” said Trump. “The England people will love gasoline. They will say ‘wow, we never knew this stuff was here! It’s great. We can use it to drive our cars.’ It’s amazing England has lasted so long without gas. No wonder everything is so bad there. England people will say I fixed everything. I will be a England hero! Trump – the man who brought gas to England. That’s what they will say. Oh, and they’ll probably make me a knight. They still do that, right? I’m going to have the best armor that anyone has ever seen. It will be solid gold and will be absolutely amazing. It’s going to be way better than Sir. Lunch-a-lot, or whatever his name was. No collusion!”
White House staff members have been scrambling to both support the President’s comments and walk-back the plan to export gasoline to England.
“The President is of course aware that petrol and gasoline are the same thing, duh,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “I mean, of course he does. Who doesn’t know that petrol and gasoline are the same thing and that of course England has gas. The President was speaking metaphorically. And when he said that we will export gas to England he was referring to gas powered cars made here in America. Yeah. That’s the ticket. He was definitely talking about gas powered cars. He, uh… yeah, he knows stuff. He knows… god damnit I’m not sure how much longer I can do this…”
When asked if he was aware petrol and gasoline are two terms for the same thing, Trump sat quietly for a moment then repeated his announcement that the US will export gasoline to England.
“I had the biggest party in the world history after my election,” said Trump. “I’m also the most popular president ever and I’ve done so many things that are good that people can’t believe it. I’m a good President. I’m good. I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy and not a waste of sperm like my dad said. I’m definitely the best. Here’s a picture of me with a famous black person. I don’t know his name but he is famous and that’s me with him and I had the biggest election ever. Witch hunt!”
Trumps cabinet members have been trying to help him realize that “petrol” and “gasoline” are the same thing but so far have had no success.
“We tried everything from flash cards to hypnotherapy and it’s just not sticking,” said Secretary of the Interior, David Bernhardt. “Maybe we should just dump this idiot and start over.”