WASHINGTON, D.C. – In order to get President Donald Trump to meetings on time White House staff have been using cupcakes tied to strings to lure him into the correct room at the correct time.
“The White House staff has employed a new method to ensure that the President maintains his hectic schedule and is able to attend all necessary meetings. We call that method ‘The Great Choco Cupcake Chase,” said White House Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney. “When you think about it, it’s pretty ingenious. (Trump) would probably sell his own mother for even the tiniest taste of chocolate, so to use the cupcakes… I can’t even begin to think about how awesome of an idea that is. And you know he’s never going to catch one. Look at him.”
Staffers began to use a cupcake on a string to lure Trump around the White House after three consecutive days of missed meetings.
“The President kept missing meetings a bunch of days in a row and when we’d go looking for him we’d find him wandering around mumbling to himself about witches and snasausages – you know, those weird dog treat things?” said White House Intern, Philip Glenn. “So we had to have another meeting about how to get (Trump) focused and in the right place at the right time. I’d say this job is 1% office work and 99% babysitting a dumb, fat child that’s actually 73-years-old.”
According to White House staff, the cupcake will only work in the President is already out of bed and dressed.
“We learned right away that if we use the cupcake while (Trump) is still in bed he will just start chasing it immediately and won’t bother to get dressed,” said Glenn. “Fortunately he was wearing a full set of pajamas that day. The last thing we want is to catch (Trump) on a ‘commando’ day where he isn’t wearing pants or underwear in bed and have him chasing a chocolate cupcake down the hall in front of other world leaders or the press. Again.”
The use of the cupcake lure has been successful so far with the president unable to catch the cupcake and his attendance at meetings has increased.
“Remember, always remember, that Trump is a stupid, stupid person,” said Mulvaney. “Think of the stupidest creature you know. It doesn’t have to be human. Got one? Trump is more stupid than that thing you are imagining. So of course a cupcake on a string is going to work to get him to where we need him. If he was any smarter, or even quicker, it wouldn’t work at all.”
The use of a cupcake on a string is the most recent attempt method used by White House staff to get Trump to where he needs to be.
“First we just tried telling him that there was cake wherever we needed him to be. That worked for a little while,” said Vice President, Mike Pence. “But then we forgot to get a cake one day and that was it for that one. Then we tried telling him that there was a naked lady in there, and, well, let’s just say that didn’t end well either. But then this kid that works here suggested the cupcake thing, you know, like they do in those old Bugs Bunny cartoons, and I’ll be damned, it worked right away.”
The White house staff is concerned that Trump may tire of chasing the cupcake so new, similar ideas are already in the works in case they are needed.