WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has given cabinet members and White House staff his “Christmas list” in the form of Sears catalogs with a number of circled items.
“Yesterday during the cabinet meeting Trump stormed in, 45 minutes late of course, and started handing out these old-ass Sears catalogs. He then told us that the catalogs were his Christmas list,” said White House Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney. “When everyone had one (Trump) made us go through, page-by-page and look at everything he had circled so we knew what to get him for Christmas. The thing is, these catalogs were 30-years-old. Some of them even older. I’m not sure if he has just kept these and reuses them every year or if he had someone track these down so he could go through them now. Either way… it’s sad. Really fucking sad.”
The Sears catalogs Trump distributed were from the years 1978 through 1985. Each catalog had several items circled as an indication of what Trump would like for Christmas.
“The weird thing about the things that he circled, is that there’s no rhyme or reason to them,” said White House Press Secretary, Stephanie Grisham. “On one page he circled a pair of women’s shoes. Are they for him? Are they for Melania? We don’t know. They are certainly not her size. He also circled a kids Under-roos set from She-Ra, Princess of Power. I just… I just don’t know anymore.”
Staff members immediately noticed several, if not most, items Trump had circled are no longer available.
“Look at this. (Trump) circled some G.I. Joe action figures, a Commodore 64, a watch that’s also a calculator, a plastic cowboy hat with Lone Ranger stickers on it, a telephone shaped like a football and some really ugly suits,” said Mulvaney. “I mean we all know that he has a really bad fashion sense, but still, these shirts are ugly, even for him.
Other items Trump circled include various power tools and for some reason, every bra in the catalogs.
“I get it, and I think we all get it,” said Grisham. “He likes boobs, and when presented with boobs he gets a little… let’s call it ‘handsy.’ But really, every single bra? There are like 23 pages of bras. He circled every single one. Every. Single. One.”
According to staffers, Trump has made it clear that everyone must buy him at least one item from the catalog.
“I’m telling you now, if I don’t get the U.S.S. Flagg Aircraft Carrier from G.I. Joe, everyone is going to get fired,” said Trump. “I’m the bestest President this country has ever seen, and I know that I deserve (the toy). No one has ever been bester than me. NO COLLUSION! If they think that they can kimpeach me, they have another thing coming. I bet that Crooked Hillary is behind this! Lock her up! If I don’t get Castle Greyskull too, I’m going to hold my breath till I die! Then you’ll all be sad!”