GLENDALE, AZ – After being visited by three ghosts, local businessman Walter Bandict, has announced that he will no longer offer his employees paid time off and medical benefits.
“Three ghosts came to me, in the middle of the night, and they showed me some things that really changed me,” said Bandict. “What they showed me was that when I was younger I was cool and fun, that my employees are ungrateful little pieces of shit, and that I’m gonna die rich. So thanks ghosts and screw you employees!”
Bandict, owner of Bandict Construction, says that he was visited by three different ghosts over the course of an evening. The ghosts showed Bandict his past, this present, and his future.
“I had just finished watching some hardcore furry porn and was sitting there with my pants around my ankles when a darn ghost appears in my bedroom,” said Bandict. “The ghost did his whole thing and then showed me what my life was like. I guess the ghost was trying to show me that I was once a happy young lad and that now I’m a grumpy old man but it didn’t work because I’m pretty darn happy. Then, after that some other ghost shows up to show me what my employee’s lives are like – I think maybe he was supposed to show me that I’m some kind of terrible boss and my employees are these wonderful people – but that’s not what happened either. My employees are pieces of shit that treat their families horribly and are greedy and worthless and lazy. Oh yeah, and then some other ghost shows up to show me my future but by then I’d pretty much stopped paying attention. The only thing I remember from that ghost is that I died rich.”
The visit by the ghosts came three nights before labor negation meetings were scheduled between Bandict and his employees.
“The timing is a little suspect don’t you think?” said Bandict. “We start these, honestly a little contentious, contract negotiations and suddenly three ghosts show up to show me how terrible of a person I am and how I need to treat my employees better. Yeah, right.”
Bandict has accused him employees of summoning the ghosts in order to sway negotiations.
“My employees summoned those ghosts and it backfired,” said Bandict. “They thought they could get one over on me and now I’m mad and they aren’t gonna get a darn thing from me. So now I’m gonna take everything away. And if they don’t like that they can leave and I’ll hire a bunch of other people to take their place. Employees are like roaches. You can wipe them all out and then the next day there are a whole bunch more ready to come back in to your house.”
Despite his assertions, none of Bandict’s employees have taken credit for summoning the ghosts.
“I know I didn’t do it,” said Bandict’s Executive Assistant, Hennris Maygul. “If I had summoned a ghost, it would have been one of those violent ones that bite your dick off. Yeah, I wouldn’t have sent no happy ghosts to him.”