NORTH POLE – After testing positive for COVID-19, Santa Claus has been receiving a controversial new treatment that includes the souls of 450 children, among other ingredients, to help Claus recover from the deadly disease.
“Santa has tested positive for COVID-19 and he is currently in an undisclosed location receiving a treatment that is… well, it’s perhaps a bit controversial,” said Santa Claus’ spokeself, Jolly McJingles. “There are a lot of ingredients that make the treatment Santa is receiving a big sad-face but you know, morals and ethics just go right out the window when it comes to saving your life. Those kids were probably on the naughty list and didn’t need their souls… or to live.”
The doctors treating Claus chose the controversial treatment, nicknamed “the C.R.E.A.M.”, in an attempt to get Claus healthy and back to work in advance of the Christmas holiday.
“Are there a bunch of treatment avenues we could have taken? Yes.” Said North Pole Medical Center Director of Infectious Disease Care, Dr. Happyface McTumTum. “Could we have maybe found one that was almost as effective and didn’t contain the souls of 450 children? Probably. But would any of the other treatments worked in a two-day time limit? Maybe. And that’s where we are. We need Santa up and out there doing his job for all the good little Christians out there.”
According to those familiar with the treatment plan, Claus himself approved the use of the treatment.
“I can confirm that Santa did know the treatment ingredients prior to allowing for the treatment to move forward,” said Claus’ Press Secretary, Shellywelly GiggleWiggle. “The thing is, he didn’t even hesitate. It’s almost like he didn’t even care. Maybe because he assumed that it was only souls of bad kids. Who knows? But (Claus) didn’t even let us finish the statement before he agreed.”
Among the other ingredients in the C.R.E.A.M. are 12 Demon blood drops, 11 endangered pines, 10 grams of cocaine, nine reindeer buttholes, eight wings of angels, seven squirts of elf cum, five aspirin tablets, four puppy heads, three cat paws, two candy canes and 450 children’s souls.
GloboChem, the company responsible for the treatment, state that while the ingredients may seem controversial, the health of Claus and other “high priority” clients is the most important thing.
“We’ve invested a very large amount of money to develop this cure for COVID-19, hiring scientists and wizards and necromancers. We can’t just give this out to everyone,” said GloboChem spokesperson Glenn Frinst. “There is some obvious marketing value to giving our cure to Santa – obviously. Rich people will see that success and demand the cure for themselves and bam! We in the money – as they say. And yes, this cure will be only for rich people or for people who will inspire rich people to buy it. It’s expensive.”
As of press time, Claus has declined to comment on the story, only saying that he’s “felling much better than Billy from San Jose is going to feel when he doesn’t get that Playstation 5. He knows why!”