MILWAUKEE, WI – Bill Gates addressed the conspiracy theories about the presence of microchips in COVID-19 vaccines by saying people are missing the positive aspects of the hypothetical implanted microchips.
According to Gates, people who receive a COVID-19 vaccine – that may or may not include a microchip – could see a number of benefits including freebies and access to new services.
“People are so concerned about whether or not we hid a microchip in the COVID-19 vaccines instead of looking at what a microchips like that would allow them to do,” said Gates. “Pfizer and my team are maybe working with a number of really great companies to offer exciting new opportunities to people who may or may not have a microchip as a result of a COVID-19 vaccination. But those microchips probably don’t exist. Or do they? No, they don’t. But maybe they do.”
Companies confirmed to be offering deals and services to hypothetical people who have a hypothetical microchip implanted during a COVID-19 vaccination, if a microchip exists, include McDonald’s, Microsoft, Dominos Pizza, EA, HairClub, MeUndies, and the NFL.
“We don’t know if there is a microchip in the COVID-19 vaccines but if there was and someone had one of those hypothetical microchips and they came in to McDonald’s they could maybe get a free supersize to their meal deal. Hypothetically,” said McDonald’s spokesperson, Monica Blankmen. “Again, not that we know if one exists, but say someone has a microchip from a COVID-19 shot and they came up to a register, our McDonald’s cashiers could scan that person and, using the data on that microchip, we could then offer them a free supersize and also give them rewards points or enroll them in our rewards program. And the customers won’t need to do anything because everything we need is in that microchip… maybe. I mean, if one exists, that is. I’m not saying they do.”
In addition to unlocking content on its X-Box gaming platform, Microsoft said it will offer new Windows apps that will allow people to “interact with and control” people who have microchips implanted with a COVID-19 vaccine – if the microchips were to exist.
“Right now we are in the final testing cycles of an app that will let you control a person, via bloothooth, from your smartphone,” said Microsoft Programmer, Conrad Temper. “It will be great for parents who want more control over their kids. And what’s exciting about that technology is that we are also working with the NFL to blow that up to a larger scale and allow people with microchips the ability to control NFL players with microchips – you know, like Tecmo Bowl or Madden, but only real life. Of course this is all hypothetical because who even knows if that microchip is already implanted in professional sports players? I mean, I don’t.”
If the COVID-19 microchips exist, Dominos Pizza plans to launch a promotion that will randomly deliver pizza to a person with a microchip.
“What we will do is call up the satellites – um… if there are satellites – and we’ll pick a person at random that shows up as someone with a microchip – if there are microchips – and we’ll send some of our delicious pizza right over to their house,” said Dominoes Marketing Manager, Tashi Motsumri. “We will already have everything we need as far as location and we’ll know what kind of pizza they like from other data collected by the microchip and once they eat our pizza we’ll be able to gauge their happiness with that pizza using new data from the microchip and then we can use that data to better promote and enhance the Dominoes Pizza experience… hypothetically. Because, who even knows if those things exist? I don’t.”