DALLAS, TX – After recent winter storms almost completely destroyed Texas’ power grid, the Texas state government has passed a law requiring all residents to generate their own power.
“This is Texas, not pansyland,” said Texas State House Representative, Rex Granderson. “Texans shouldn’t have ta rely on no one else for power. We should be able ta make power all on our own – like god intended. We want the gov’ment and them unnecessary regulations outta Texas and outta our lives so we are gonna make it so my fellow Texans can and haveta make their own power. Make their power however they want ta, unless it’s… you know, gay. Or one of them, you know… Democrats.”
Texas State Senator, Jim Mannon, proposed the new law after he saw reports of Texans complaining about recent power outages and large energy bills.
“I was on vacation in the Bahamas during the storm but I was watching the news and I saw a whole buncha Texans on their complainin’ about how it’s the Texas government that was responsible for them not havin’ any power and a bunch of others complainin’ about how they have some high power bills,” said Mannon. “So if people want to complain about how they ain’t got power or how some company is chargin’ them a bunch for power, well, they can generate their own dang power! Buncha crybabies.”
Beginning in July, all Texas residents will be responsible for providing their own power. Resources for generating power such as coal, gasoline, and uranium will be available for purchase.
“We are gonna start sellin’ such things as coal and uranium at gas stations just like we do with the gasoline, guna, and propane,” said Granderson. “I mean, we’re going to sell some other shit, like, I don’t know, treadmills or those hamster wheel type things. You know, so them hippy types over there in Austin don’t start with their bitchin. God I hate them over there is Austin. With their Whole Foods and their Tesla’s. I hope god smites them all.”
In additional to traditional power sources, Texans are being encouraged to think outside-the-box and use other sources for power.
“Texans should really look at guns to power their homes. A lot of power can be generated from a gun shot,” said Houston Mayor, Grant Houslen. “If someone just stands in their backyard and just continuously fires their guns, they can probably generate enough power to maybe power a lightbulb for about four minutes. The more guns being fired, obviously the more power will be generated. This plan has the full support of the NRA of course.”
While most Texas residents do own guns, many people don’t believe that they are the key to solving the power problems in the state.
“I mean, theoretically, guns could work as a power source, but another, better source of power would be to tap in to a Texans sense of self importance,” said Austin Mayor, Ralph Nannid. “Theoretically this is an unending supply of power because, as we all know, Texans think they are the most important people in the world. And this is doubly true for white Texans. And old Texans. And old, white Texans.”
State lawmakers are going over the different proposals and hope to have a solution before the next round of blackouts.