LOS ANGELES, CA – Beginning this month, several prominent restaurant chains will begin serving children meals that come half-eaten.
“Now parents won’t have to feel guilty when their kid takes two bites of their macaroni and cheese and then says they are full,” said Cracker Barrel media representative, Jane Whittles. “We’ve all been there. Your kid says that they’re starving so you order them a burger. Then, sure as shit, they take one bite, eat a couple of fries and the say their done. Every. Fucking. Time. If you weren’t hungry, why did you make me order you a fucking nine dollar meal? I could have ordered another beer, but no, you had to take two fucking bites. Jesus. Anyway, so that’s why we’re doing this.”
Cracker Barrel, Chili’s, Applebees, and TGI Friday’s will begin offering the new half-eaten meals on children menus with an option to upgrade to a meal that is only one-quarters eaten.
“We won’t be offering ‘full’ meals for kids anymore. That’s just a fuckin’ waste of money and food because there isn’t a kind alive that has ever eaten their entire meal. In America that is,” said Chili’s spokesman Reginald Walker. “We feel that this is a perfect solution that will appeal to parents all over the country. We get it, since the whole COVID thing started, money is tight and now that restaurants are starting to open again, people want to get out. We see this as a way to entice family’s to come out again and get some good food at a great price. And really, we need some more of that ‘barbeque sauce.’ Get it? Remember that old commercial? Chili’s, baby back ribs. Barbeque sauce. That was a great add campaign. We kind of hit our high mark with that one.”
According to Applebees spokesperson, Donna Stuberman, the new half-eaten children meals are both a cost saving measure and a sustainability issue.
“Serving a child a full meal is a huge waste. A waste of the family’s money, a waste of the food and, frankly, a waste of time,” said Stuberman. “Restaurants have had a rough year and we are all going to be looking for cost saving options and, well, feeding children a meal that is already half eaten just saves everyone a whole lot of money and time. Kitchen’s are going to be happy because they can get out more of those pricy entrée’s and desserts and the front of the house will like it because let’s face it, the kids meals are always kinda forgotten about. So… yeah. Kids suck. Especially mine.”
While many restaurants are jumping on the bandwagon, parents aren’t quite on board with the idea.
“I think this is the worst idea I’ve ever heard!” said Los Angeles resident, Gabriella Cashma, mother of three. “If I’m going to pay money for a meal for my kid, I want to know exactly what I’m going to get. How do I know that my kid isn’t going to get all the shitty parts of the meal? Like what if the part that’s already been eaten is the pickles from the burger? That’s the best part! If I’m going to give my kids something, it better have fucking pickles of it.”
Restaurants are reluctant to say exactly who will be eating the other half of the meals that will be served to children, instead saying that the health regulations will still be followed.
“We will make sure everything is on the up-and-up but we also want to keep our options open,” said Walker. “And to be honest there probably won’t be one way that the meals are getting half eaten. Some maybe half eaten by employees on breaks. Some maybe be half-eaten by other children. Some maybe half eaten by rats? Who knows? But we will make sure everything is by the book and all the proper food handling laws are followed… probably. But it really doesn’t matter because kids are still just going to take two bites anyway.”