ANTARCTICA – Superman announced last week that he is “taking a break” from humanity and will spend the “foreseeable future” alone at his Fortress of Solitude.
“I still care about you but I think it’s time we… take a break,” said Superman. “It’s not you, it’s me. Actually, no, I’m sorry, I can’t lie. It is you. It’s all you. All of you. You’ve changed. I’ve changed too but you’ve really changed. And we’ve grown apart. We have different priorities and… I think we just need to call it off and maybe be on our own for a while.”
Superman made the announcement on live TV during an interview on Al Jazeera after stopping a missile attack in Egypt.
“It’s just too much. This is the fourth time this week I’ve had to keep you from blowing each other up for no reason and that doesn’t even count the 700 other dumb things I’ve had to stop you from doing to yourself this year,” said Superman. “How can I be with someone that can’t take care of themselves?”
Superman referenced recent events, such as the capital riots in Washington D.C, the coup in Myanmar, an increase in race-related violence, and the growing number of “stupid” conspiracy believers in his decision to step away from the relationship with humanity.
“You just aren’t the people I fell in love with all those years ago,” said Superman. “Maybe a little time apart will let us rediscover ourselves. But at this point I think I’m done. And maybe I’ll see you later or maybe I’ll just see what comes after all of you, which at this point is going to be about five years. I just hope you find whatever it is you are looking for and stop this self-destructive behavior. It’s just gross and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.”
Several world leaders have tried reaching out to Superman, texting apologies and leaving voicemails stating that things will be different if Superman comes back.
“We’ve called Superman approximately 60 times in the last three days but he has not answered,” said US Press Secretary, Jen Psaki. “We know that makes us look desperate but want to let Superman know that we don’t want to lose him and that we are willing to work on things and do whatever he wants us to so that he doesn’t leave us. We’ll change. We promise. Just please, don’t do this to us. Not right now.”
Governments around the world are already started reaching out to other superheroes in hopes of a quick rebound.
“We can confirm that we have sent a letter to Wonder Woman but she has rejected us. We have also sent letters to a Green Lantern and a Flash,” said Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. “But we have not reached out to Aquaman or Batman. Those guys are jerks and we do not want to be with jerks. Seriously, fuck Aquaman. We heard that he was with Argentina a while ago, and let’s just say that the stories we heard… we’re just not going to go there. And don’t get us started on Batman. Let just say that he’s got a few too many skeletons in his closet, literally. ”