FLAGSTAFF, AZ – This month The Scoop News released its annual Hottest Guy of the Year award and let me be the first to say that I, for one, am not surprised at all. And I shouldn’t be surprised because I’m the one who came up with this crazy thing, but that’s beside the point. Anyways, who is this years top Stud? Well, none other than Senator Orrin Hatch. Yes, that’s right. That crazy little Republican from Utah has won many hearts this year and the least of which is this humble reporter’s.
Now I know what some of you are saying, and sure, there maybe are more “attractive” and “visually pleasing” men out there. But none of those hot Hollywood beefcakes have quite that same total, package, as Hatch does. Sexy? Check. Smart? Check. Republican? Check. Native of Utah? Oh yeah baby. Orrin Hatch is the real deal.
While some of you out there may be questioning this choice, I will just say this; he’s tall, he’s dark and he’s Mormon. Let’s see Russell Crowe pull all those off with as much charisma as Hatch does. And it’s not just the fact that he’s Mormon that makes him so sexy in my book, although it certainly helps. It’s the power thing that does it for me. Nothing can compare to a man with that much power… well maybe a man with size 13 shoes, if you know what I mean.
And let’s not forget the ringing endorsements he gets from his fellow Capital Hill compatriots. Why just yesterday Senator McCain from Arizona said to me, in complete confidence asking that I wouldn’t publish his name, “Orrin makes me feel like I’m 13 again. When I see him at the Capital swimming pool, I just melt and have to excuse myself for a couple minutes. My Orrin fantasies are the best fantasies.” Now we know what got McCain through all those years in the POW camp!
Now even though Mr. Sexy Hatch is the most perfect hunk of man-meat this side of John Goodman, my runner up, the decision truly was agonizing. Goodman has that big teddy bear feel that melts the ladies hearts, but he just doesn’t have that extra oompha needed to push him over the top. And that would be one hell of a push, but Hatch has the one thing that Goodman doesn’t, longevity. Seriously, John, I’m worried. Talk to the Jenny Craig people, they can help. Look what they did for me!
After Goodman, in a dead heat for third place we have the obligatory Mr. Crowe and the oft overlooked Ben Stein. I know, I know your probably thinking that Crowe is way hotter than Stein, but I beg to differ. I guess it all comes down to the power thing again. Would Mr. Oscar Winning Gladiator take the risk of putting 5000 dollars, of his own money mind you, up for grabs every night and twice on Saturdays? I think not. I have a feeling that Mr. Crowe hoards all his money so that he always has another shrimp to throw on the barbie… or another hooker waiting in the foyer.
So let’s all take a moment to bask in the utter hotness that is Senator Orrin Hatch. The man, the myth, the sex pot.