WINTERLAND – Old Man Winter’s family and friends are concerned that his recent erratic behavior may be due to cognitive decline or drug abuse.
“I hate to say it, but I think the best-case scenarios is that old age is catching up with (Old Man Winter) but… again, I hate to say this, but there is the possibility that he has relapsed and is back on the speed,” said Old Man Winter’s niece, Aurora Borealis. “Not a lot of people know this, but Old Man Winter has a history of drug use and some of us think that maybe he’s hitting it again. Because… well, just look around! This isn’t right. It was 70 in Denver the other day!”
Over the past decade, Old Man Winter has increased winter temperatures and increased the frequency and number of severe storms.
“Lately it seems like the winter weather has just been all over the place,” said Old Man Winter’s sister, Summer. “Definitely not the work of a stable or sober mind, if you ask me. Plus, when I was at his house a couple months ago for a diner party, he disappeared into the bathroom for about 10 minutes and came out with this crazy, wild look in his eyes and asked if anyone wanted to see what this penis looked like if it had a face and a fur coat on. I’ve seen that shit before, didn’t need to see it again. Have you ever seen a hotdog from a street vendor that’s been under the heat lamp for about a week? That’s what he’s working with. But if it does turn out that he has dementia or something then I’ll feel really bad about telling him to get his shit together.”
Scientist have linked the changes in winter weather to human activity however Old Man Winter’s friends say he is to blame.
“I’m not saying that humans aren’t totally wrecking the planet, that is definitely true, I’m just saying that maybe some of the things that are occurring in winter are because Old Man Winter is rolling,” said Winter’s Brother, Jack Frost. “He’s been dealing with this shit off and on for a long time. Pretty much since humans found a way to get fucked up he’s been right there with them. And you can always tell when he’s back on the horse. Shit just gets weird.”
So far, Old Man Winter’s mother, Mother Nature, has ignored Old Man Winter’s unpredictable behavior and dismisses any notion that he may have mental or addiction problems.
“He’s a good kid,” said Mother Nature. “These past few years have been hard on everyone, even us mythical beings. Especially us mythical beings. (Winter) is just such a sensitive soul, that when the world is hurting, he is also hurting. He’ totally an empath like that. So you know, he may be doing some weird things right now, but that’s no reason to jump the gun and start saying that he’s using drugs or has Alzheimer’s.”
At press time, Old Man Winter was unavailable for comment as he was streaking naked down a Florida highway with a traffic cone on his head.