CHICAGO, IL – Taking a cue from the recent barrage of lawsuits against tobacco companies, Gary Brown, 47, has filed a lawsuit of his own against a company he feels has deceived him.
In the same spirit as the lawsuits against the tobacco industry, Brown has refused to accept any responsibility for his own actions and blames Frito-Lay for his current, corpulent condition.
“It’ s not fair! I’m fat and it’ s not my fault!” shouted Brown from aside his Chicago newsstand, showing his wrath to the national media. “I’m a very rotund man, and someone must pay! Everyone looks at me like ‘how could you let that happen to yourself. You disgust me. You monstrosity’ and ‘you are the biggest pile of crap I have ever seen.’ After 30-plus years of hearing that, it really starts getting to you. God damn you Frito-Lay.”
According to evidence submitted for the trial, in 1992, Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Larry Bird bragged in a commercial, “Bet you can’ t eat just one!” while at the same time Frito-Lay had learned their potato chips have the potential to be addictive. However, since Mr. Brown claims to have started his addiction in 1983, Frito-Lay denies any responsibility in helping Mr. Brown gain his gigantic ass.
More evidence in defense of the potato chip mega-company lies in what Brown’s wife Bertha told this reporter.
“Gary was always a tubby bitch, even before he was all jacked up on them ‘tater chips. But I married him anyway. He’s one hell of a lay. Ha ha get it? Oh yeah, did you catch that one? Shit I’m one funny bitch,” Bertha said.
Despite evidence contradicting much of Brown’ s argument, Frito-Lay offered Brown a handsome settlement out of court. Although Frito-Lay’s offer was rather generous, Brown refused the settlement of fifty dollars and a year’ s supply of potato chips.
“Mr. Brown will not accept a year’ s supply of chips,” said Brown’ s attorney, Jamal Webber. “We don’t want much, but what we do want is a lifetime supply of every Frito-Lay product. Oh, and he wants no less than 750 million US dollars. Thank you.”
While many refer to lawsuits such as this being “frivolous” and “a waste of taxpayers money,” Brown insists that the company that “has done him wrong” be held accountable for his grotesque physical appearance.
“They won’t get away with this. I speak on behalf of every fat sonofabitch out there when I say ‘Damn you Frito-Lay! Damn you and your potato chip flavored cancer straight to hell!”
In a related story, under the influence of several lawyers, Koko the Gorilla has filed suit against her captors for what is said to be “ happy pink rubber nipple pink lick jock-strap rubber.” Koko’s trainer and life long friend Penny translated the message to be involuntary imprisonment, cruel and unusual punishment, mental anguish and punitive damages.