WASHINGTON, DC – After the positive reactions to the Student Loan Debt cancelation, President Joe Biden announced a new plan to forgive up to $100 in I.O.U.s.
“Americans are struggling under the immense weight of I.O.U.s,” said Biden. “The economy and this country, needs all the help we can give it so today I am announcing a new I.O.U. forgiveness program. You won’t have to live with I.O.U.s hanging over your head any longer. Unless they are more than $100. If that’s the case, you’ll still have to pay those.”
To qualify for the I.O.U. forgiveness program, a formal request must be submitted with proof of the I.O.U.
“It’s going to be a very quick and easy process,” said member of the President’s Economic Impact Council, Gavin Fanning. “There will be an online form that will need to be filled out by both parties that should be able to be completed in about two, maybe three hours. Then both parties will need to provide proof of the I.O.U., and it can be like a picture of it or something. Also, blood and/or semen samples will need to be sent in so we can ensure both parties are actually different people that way we can reduce fraud. Then the party who made the loan will need to provide their banking information and within six to eight months they’ll be reimbursed. It’ll all be very simple.”
Leading economists are skeptical that the new I.O.U. forgiveness program will actually help the economy but there may be unintended benefits.
“Let’s be honest here, how many I.O.U.s are defaulted on every year? 50%? 75%?” said Harvard Economics Professor, Erol Rebeit. “Now that simply isn’t that much money, so it won’t impact the economy all that much. But… with this plan, Billy Bob, who borrowed $50 from Jim Bob, will not have to pay Jim Bob anything. He’ll just keep buying his case of Bud Light every night like he has since he borrowed the money. But now, Jim Bob will get his money back and he’ll go out and buy his case of Coors Light every night. Before Biden’s plan, Jim Bob would eventually shoot Billy Bob and thus remove him from the gene pool. So that’s the flaw that I see with this plan. We’ll have a lot more hillbilly’s staying alive because someone else paid their debt.”
After it was announced, the plan was immediately rejected by Republican members of Congress.
“This is complete and utter bullshit,” said Senator Ted Cruz, ® Texas. “So, what, we’re just going to help every citizen now? Fuck that. This is 100% against what the Republican Party stands for. Government money should only be used to kill people during wars, or to build walls and cages, or to bail out large corporations. Helping citizens is what Socialists do.”
Democrats were confused by the announcement of the new I.O.U. forgiveness program as no such program had previously been discussed.
“To be perfectly frank, (Democratic Party leadership) is a little confused by this new I.O.U. thing,” said House of Representatives Speaker, Nancy Pelosi. “It’s fine, I guess, and I’m sure it will help people, but we’ve never talked about this and to my knowledge no one ever asked for this. What I think might have happened is we asked for something else, like ban Fox News, and (Biden) heard ‘get rid of all I.O.U.s’ Who knows. But I personally have an outstanding I.O.U. of $48 so I’ll take it!”