COLUMBUS, OH – The restaurant and sports bar chain Buffalo Wild Wings will be making a major change to all existing locations over the next six months, replacing all chairs and barstools with continuous flow toilets.
“Soon our customers won’t need to worry about missing a moment of the big game or the waitress coming by to take drink orders,” stated a Buffalo Wild Wings press release announcing the change. “Over the next few months, we are going to be retrofitting all our chairs and barstools with toilets, so you won’t have to leave your seat until the game’s over!”
The change is being made to keep customers both comfortable and in the restaurant for a longer period of time so they can continue ordering food and drinks.
“We lose a large amount of potential revenue from customers having to leave, quickly, to get home to their toilet,” said Buffalo Wild Wings CEO Clyde Remmer. “In this business, it’s all about covers. We need buts in seats. Typically, you want people to get up and out as soon as you can so that you can reuse that table, but here, we don’t make money when someone comes in, orders one beer, eats one of our chicken wings and has to bust ass home before they shit their pants. The average customer spends two minutes inside a Buffalo Wild Wings before they leave to go home to their toilet. That’s not a lot of time to spend money. While we care about customers, we are a business first. We figured that if we can keep them here longer, and make things more… convenient, they would just keep ordering and ordering.”
Each new toilet seat will be padded so customers can remain seated comfortably for an extended period. In addition, the toilets will have continuous flow so any waste will be flushed immediately reducing the smell of any toilet use.
“It’s… well, it’s really hard to talk about this without being graphic so forgive me here,” said Marketing Director, Sandy Thut. “When a customer eats our food and then has the sudden, overwhelming need to… make poopies, they can make poopies right there at their seat at the table. And because of the continuous flow of the new toilet seats, those poopies won’t remain in the bowl and the poopies will be flushed right away with any… stank that comes with the poopies.”
This change to the restaurant seats is one of several changes the company has made in the past to help keep customers inside and ordering food and drinks.
“We are trying to balance customer satisfaction with profit and we’ve tried a number of things to keep our customers here, happy, and ordering,” said Remmer. “Earlier this year we put a little clock next to each menu item that indicated how long that menu item takes to make its way through your system. So, if you live 15 minutes away and the little clock next to the Asian Zing chicken strips says 20 minutes you know that you shouldn’t order those because you are going to shit your pants five minutes before you get home. We also tried to make food that wouldn’t immediately give you the runs, but, yeah, our customers didn’t like all of those fresh ingredients.”
While Remmer has said that the changes will be made over many months, many customers are demanding the changes now to their local restaurants.
“Me and my boys, we go the Dubs every. Freaking. Day!” said Dennis Ross of Plano, Texas. “If you’re telling me, that we can go there and not have to get up again to use the shitter after eating every single wing… the hell, sign us the fuck up. I will spend so much money there that it should be enough to get our Dubs bumped up to the top of the list. Seriously, I cannot wait to be able to eat all the Jammin’ Jalapeno wings I can eat without even having to pull down my pants. It’s the American Dream right there. Brings a tear to my eye.”