Masturbation Discussed at Length

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Michael Berry stands in front of his computer shortly before masturbating for the fifth time that day.
Michael Berry stands in front of his computer shortly before masturbating for the fifth time that day.

LAKEWOOD, CA – While speaking with a small group of friends, Michael Berry revealed more about his masturbation habits than the rest of the group felt comfortable discussing. During the course of the exchange, Berry said he had masturbated four times already that day and would “Polish the ol’ helmet” at least once more before going to bed.

According to friend and roommate Jeff Reynolds, Berry’s comments where unnecessary and did not pertain to a single comment made previously in the evening.

“So we’re sitting there right, playing some Monopoly and all of a sudden Mike says ‘I masturbated two times this morning before I got out of bed.’ We all just kinda sat there looking at each other,” Reynolds said. “It came so far out of left field that we were all shocked. I just looked at him and said ‘that’s great, go you’ hoping he would just let it drop, but he just kept going on and on about it. A couple of the girls that were hanging around were pretty creeped out.”

Berry reportedly detailed his masturbation process and frequency for over an hour at which point most of the group decided it was time to leave.

“I was there with my girlfriend for crying out loud,” said friend Caleb Stone. “(Berry) does this shit all the time. We’ll all be hanging out and he’ll say something that just makes everyone cringe. When he started talking about his penis bleeding from constant abuse, I thought my girlfriend was gonna pass out. Hell I almost passed out. That’s shit you just don’t want to know about a guy. If he isn’t talking about jacking off, he’s talking about how his ‘roommates’ in the Navy were gay.”

While most of his friends have a problem with his openness, Berry himself feels that this and other sensitive subjects need to be discussed.

“Come on, I have a gift, the gift of high stamina, that I feel is praise worthy,” Berry said. “Jackin’ off is perfectly normal, so doing it four times a day makes me extra normal… special even. So if I feel like talking about human nature than I should be able to. I don’t stop Jeff from talking about his stupid classes or Caleb about the time with that really ugly girl when he came all over her tits then rubbed it in with his hands. I listen to those stories and all I ask in return is that they hear me out.”

Berry continued and eventually began describing his masturbation habits.

“All I gotta do is pull out a history book and start stroking. I did use National Geographic but then I just kinda burned myself out on that. But then I found the Internet, but again, I got a little burned out on that too. So one day I just opened my old history textbook and got a stiffy. It was weird at first but I just went with it. Man, looking at those pictures of Napoleon get me so hot. Josephine was a hot chick and all but Napoleon is definitely the one that does it for me. Not that I’m gay or anything, I just got a thing for midgets in stretch pants. Even thinking about it gets me going. Um, excuse for a minute.”

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