Aliens to Phase Out Abductions, Probings

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Alien spokesman Peter Hyyybondiny address the press outside the United Nations building.
Alien spokesman Peter Hyyybondiny address the press outside the United Nations building.
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NEW YORK CITY, NY – In an announcement made from the steps of the United Nations building, representatives of seven alien races have stated that they have put an immediate stop to all human abductions and anal probing. The proclamation is the result of recent allegations that the aliens have in fact learned everything they can about the human body and the intricacies of the human digestive tract.

Aliens conducting experiments on humans goes back to the early 1950’s when Abigail Van Houten was abducted by the race known as the Adkiejdjjjew, pronounced “Wells.” Since that time, six other alien races have spent time here on Earth examining the human lower intestine area.

“Man, when we first started this, I was like ‘Whoa, what the fuck are we doing?’ But you know, anuses are so amazing,” said Peter Hyyybondiny, member of the Adkiejdjjjew. “I was lucky enough to be there when we first took Ms. Van Houten, but at the time, I didn’t see the big deal. I mean it’s an asshole. Shit comes out of it. But around the 60th hole that I saw, I finally started to see the beauty. I mean just look at, looking like a bright little star covered in sweet milk chocolate. After years of studying the anus, I can finally see the gay thing.”

All seven alien races have committed to stopping the abductions and probing by the end of next year. Once their research is complete they will return to their respective home worlds and present the findings to each world’s supreme ruler, at which time it will be determined whether or not to invade Earth.

“Well, we aren’t exactly sure how our leaders will respond to this data. I know the people of AFFAERasdQWEQ B have been looking for reasons to invade Earth. But honestly, I don’t know how any of our governments will react. There is one thing I can tell you with a certain amount of confidence – if there is any invasion by any alien race, you can count on it beginning with your anuses. And no… it probably wont be as pleasant as the probings have been,” said Rick 6 of Gfhhhhskieinfsling.

While the slowing and eventual stopping of human abductions pleases most, there are some that say the move may be pre-mature and that there are people who have not been examined.

“It’s not fair, we don’t want them to stop until we have all had the chance to work with the aliens,” said Parker Trey, spokesman for the American For Anal Probes Foundation. “For years we normal, red blooded Americans have had to sit idly by while our red necked brethren get all the perks that come with being abducted and probed. The sensational sensations, the fond memories and the beautiful mental and physical scars. Damn it, I want them all too.”

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