PORTLAND, OREGON  A massage therapist that works in the downtown area thinks that everyone should be gluten, sugar, egg, soy, fat and dairy free primarily because he is sick of people farting during sessions.

“I try to ignore it,” said Massage Therapist, Bevis Stubnick of Multnomah County. “But it just smells so bad. God damned wheat eaters.”

The Licensed Massage Therapist stuck out his tongue, winced and held his nose closed. After recovering from what he called a “fart flash-back,” he shared that it is the worst when he is working near the gluteus maximus, more commonly referred to as the ass.

“I know it is all about their bad diets. If they didn’t eat gluten, sugar, soy, fat and dairy then I might be able to look these clients in the face after a session. A stinky fart can be suffocating in a treatment room,” said Stubnick.

He admitted that if he has to keep pretending his clients aren’t causing him to catch asthma, then he might need to find a safer profession.