New Poll Finds Majority of Americans Just Can't AnymorePublished January 2022
WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to a recent poll, the number of Americans that just can’t anymore is at an all-time high.
Social Media Companies to Allow Users to Opt-Out of Becoming RacistPublished May 2021
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After months of social and political pressure, social media companies will soon begin offering an option that will allow users to decline becoming racist.
New Planet Discovered that Humans Could Totally RuinPublished August 2020
HILO, HI – Astronomers at the W. M. Keck Observatory have discovered a planet capable of supporting life orbiting a nearby star that humans could “definitely ruin.”
Polls: Your Mom Now Leading Clinton, TrumpPublished October 2016
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With only a few weeks until the Presidential election, the write-in candidate Your Mom has taken the lead in a series of recent polls.
“People are rejecting the two major party candidates at a rate we’ve never seen and because of that people are looking for other choices,” said former Democratic Party Chairman, Howard Dean. “Someone, who knows who, said that they’d just write ‘Your Mom’ on their ballot and people are really starting to agree with that.”
Trump Would Marry “OK Looking Mexican Broad”Published July 2016
NEW YORK, NY – In an effort to appeal to both women and Hispanic voters, Republican Presidential Nominee, Donald Trump, told a room full of supporters and reporters he would consider marrying “an ok looking Mexican broad.”
“I like broads. And they like me,” said Trump during the campaign stop in Evansville, IN. “I know some women that have said they like me a lot. And those, whatyoucall’em… Mexicans? Yeah, they like me too. I’m huge with them.”
Beyoncé Releases New Surprise 17-minute Long TrackPublished May 2016
NEW YORK, NY – Beyoncé has delighted her fans with a surprise release of a new 17-minute song called “Where the Hell Are My Damn Keys?”
Recent Discovery Proves Early Human Sucked at ArtPublished May 2016
SANTA FE, NM – Anthropologists are excited by recently discovered cave drawings that they say prove that the earliest inhabitants of North America were terrible artists.
Ohio Changes Voting Laws to Prevent Voter FraudPublished April 2016
COLUMBUS, OH – The Ohio State Senate has approved sweeping changes to voting laws including requiring voters to have a gold-plated voter ID card.
Californians Preparing for Inevitable Water WarPublished July 2015
LOS ANGELES – As the drought in California worsens, residents have begun modifying their cars by adding armor plating, skulls and various other decorations in preparation for the inevitable wars.
Climate scientists believe the lack of rain and shortage of water may result in wars fought by gangs with armored vehicles and guitars that shoot fire as seen in the recent documentary film, “Mad Max: Fury Road.”
28 Things We Learned from Last Month’s State of the UnionPublished January 2015
WASHINGTON, DC – During the State of the Union address last month President Obama made a number of statements reflecting on the past year and made a number of promises looking ahead.