BROOKLYN, NY – In an effort to share resources and save money, Ambulance companies have begun co-operating with Chinese food restaurants. By sharing the same building, ambulance companies reduce the need for fuel and response time while Chinese food restaurants receive help in bills and public relations.
“There are a lot of positives and very few negatives with this business plan,” said New York University Business Professor Emily Steele. “One quarter of all fuel costs and employee hours are spent at, or in route to, a Chinese restaurant. Especially the buffets. Buffets draw the extremely unhealthy and close-to-death like no other place. Not sure why. But having 10 people a day go into cardiac arrest at your place of business is never a good thing. Chinese food places are always looking for ways to get that unsightly business over and out of the way as quickly as possible.”
By slashing operating expenses, Ambulance companies hope to be able to provide more services and expand their areas of coverage and reduce the cost passed on to patients.
“If we are going to make healthcare affordable in this nation for everyone, well, we should probably stop eating at Chinese food buffets, but we should also find ways to reduce waste,” said East Side Ambulance director Robert Orsen. “Co-oping with Chinese food restaurants will keep our rent low, reduce the cost of gas, because we’ll already be there, and help save peoples lives… again, because we’ll already be there.”
Both ambulance drivers and Chinese food restaurant managers are excited by the new business model and are optimistic that both industries will benefit.
“I like to see people get out of here fast when they die,” said China Super Star Buffet manager Xian Cung. “No one like to eat with dead body in booth three. Having Ambulance here, it make dead people go way much faster. Less dead people means more money.”
According to a recent report from the Food and Drug Administration, Chinese food, especially buffets, account for 34% of all heath issues in American cities.
“I suppose someone should think about a warning system, like we have on cigarettes but that’s not my job,” said FDA special council Terri Stetson. “Realistically, no one walks into a Chinese food buffet and thinks to themselves, ‘wow, I can really get some healthy food in here!’ Americans may be stupid, but we aren’t that stupid. We’re just fat and love the taste of MSG and grease.”