Holy War Escalating

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SCANTON, NC – Religious tensions between Catholic and Baptist organizations have ignited into an all out war this week as a struggle for boycotting rights consumes this nation. At the heart of this strife is a single company so despised, so hated, so not good that the simple mention of its name brings some to outrage, others to kill. That harbinger of doom and despair is Disney.

A long time target for Baptist groups, Disney offended Baptists with its tolerance for homosexuality and blatantly homosexual characters (i.e. Goofy’s hair stylist, Benny the flamboyantly gay emu). The Catholics have recently jumped onto the proverbial back of Disney as recent news of “blasphemous” new movies and the new ride, “The Great Judas’ Wild and Fantastic ride.”

Disney, who is no stranger to controversy, has refused to comment.

Some are beginning to call this struggle a modern day “holy war” as Baptists and Catholics alike have recently taken severe casualties. A recent clash came as both organizations showed up to protest the popular new music group Fucking Queers Who Hate Jesus, a band signed to Disney subsidiary Mammoth Records, at a recent concert in New Jerusalem NC. The scene quickly turned aggressive as the focus shifted from the F.Q.W.H.J. to the rival groups. Suddenly a single shot was fired and by who know one knows but the aftermath was certain. Thousands lie dead and battered, some impaled upon protest signs, some choked by rosaries and others bludgeoned to death by crosses. Only one survivor remained, madness. After the bodies had been gathered together and set ablaze, both organizations held press conferences blaming one another for the tragedy.

“I tell you what. Those damn Catholics don’t really love Jesus. Not like us Baptists do. If they did, they wouldn’t kill us. Jesus doesn’t want the Baptists to die. He wants those stupid Catholics to die. Jesus hates Catholics,” Jebidiah Somerston, President of Baptists Who Really Hate Catholics, said.

Melody Moraham, president of the Catholic Cleansing Committee To Get Rid Of Them Damn Baptists, stated “Those poor bastards are all misguided. The Catholic faith has been around for a very long time and the Baptists are all of a sudden coming on like they love Jesus more. Well let me tell you, I spoke with Jesus this morning and he really hates that Somerston guy. In fact he hates all of those Baptists. He said they are stupid. Homosexual and stupid.”

These two statements only added fuel to the fire.

Since then several small skirmishes have broken out across the country at Planned Parenthood, Grocery Stores and numerous yard sales. With each altercation, the death toll rises, and unfortunately, so does the severity. In a predominately Catholic neighborhood, four Catholics were jumped by what witnesses described as “dirty, shit eating, brother humpin’ Baptists,” carrying large billy clubs while two days later a retaliatory attack took place in a Baptist neighborhood. In this case witnesses say a small group of Baptist on their way to a “rally” were attacked and pelted by hundreds of small, plastic fetuses. All the witnesses confirm that the attackers were indeed “dick licking, Mickey fuckin’ Catholics.”

President Bill Clinton, Pope John Paul II and the man some affectionately call “Captain Evil” (a.k.a. Mikey Eisner), have called a special meeting between the two faiths to take place late next month. The goal of this meeting is to stop the violence and bring peace back to this nation.


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