WASHINGTON, D.C. – A specialized cleaning crew has been called in to the Oval Office after White House staff discovered a large number of boogers that President Trump had smeared underneath the Resolute desk.
“We had to call a specialized cleaning crew to come in to the Oval Office and clean off the boogers from underneath the desk that Trump sometimes sits at,” said White House Chief of Staff, Mark Meadows. “Granted, he doesn’t sit there very often because there isn’t a TV in there but in the short amount of time that he has spent at that desk he has managed to wipe a very large amount of boogers underneath the drawer part of the desk where he sits. It would be kind of impressive if it wasn’t so gosh darned gross. (Trump) is like a darn 4-year-old with his boogers and wiping them all over the dang place.”
The boogers were discovered by a female White House intern who was asked to retrieve a pen Trump had dropped on the floor.
“President Trump is so clumsy with his pens!” said White House intern, Stephanie Smith. “Every time I’m in the office he, like, drops his pen under his desk and asks me to get it for him since he is busy talking to people. Last time I was in there he dropped his pen like 20 times in a half hour. But one time, when I was under there I happened to like, look up, and I saw all these gross boogers and I kinda yelled or something and then I got out of there and gave him his pen back. Seriously, have you ever been to one of those caves that have all the stalactites on the roof? That’s what it looked like. Now when I go under there to get his pen I just close my eyes and feel around for the pen.”
When asked about the boogers Trump first blamed his predecessor, President Obama, for placing the boogers. When reminded the office, including the desk, was thoroughly cleaned before his inauguration, Trump disavowed any knowledge of boogers.
“Since (President) Clinton, we make sure we clean the hell out of the entire White House, especially under Resolute desk, before the next president comes in because, well, you know, Clinton had his semen everywhere,” said White House janitorial lead, Ethan Jerome. “I mean (Clinton’s) semen was everywhere. The ceiling. The fireplace. Under the carpet. Everywhere. So since he left we make sure when clean everything and I can tell you with 100% certainty there weren’t no boogers under that desk when Obama left.”
Several White House staffers said they have seen Trump picking his nose, often during meetings.
“Trump picks his note a lot. Like, a lot a lot,” said Meadows. “Remember that Trump is a dumb, dumb, dumb person and we have to stop meetings when he starts picking his nose because, as everyone knows he is incapable of doing more than one thing at a time. So when he has his finger in there digging out boogers we all just stop and try not to look. He really goes after it. He has really tiny hands so he can get a couple knuckles deep. I’ve personally seen him spend 15 minutes trying to dig out a single booger. And no, I’m not surprised he wipes them under his desk.”