TAMPA, FL – The National Football League (NFL) announced the theme for this year’s Super Bowl halftime show will be “America” and will feature a large number of white people wandering around “doing whatever they want to do.”
“We see on the news how divided America is right now and we’d like to remind people what America really is and show everyone what really makes America the best country in the world – and that’s white people wandering around doing whatever they want,” said Marketing Director for the NFL, Erin Gripton. “That’s the American dream, right? To be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want? Want to pull your dick out and wave it like a flag? Want to take a dump in public? These are the things that everyone really wants to do, but society won’t let them, unless of course they are white. Well, at the Super Bowl, we’re going to let white people be white people.”
At halftime, all lights will be turned on in the stadium and all entrances to the field will be opened allowing hundreds of white people on to the field. The stadiums sound system will provide music for the gathered white people.
“We haven’t figured out what music to play yet, and it probably doesn’t matter as long as we don’t play something… urban,” said Gripton. “So we’ll probably just put on country music or hell, maybe even just NickelBack and let the white people do their thing. And really, everything is on the table. Me? I’m trying to decide whether I’m going to punch a cop or if I’m going to try to break in to the locker room and blow Tom Brady. Maybe both, we’ll see.”
Security will be stationed around the field, but the security team has been instructed to allow the white people to do what they want.
“If the crowd of white people get close to areas that are off limits we will tell them they aren’t allowed to be there but we’ve been instructed to not interfere if the white people want to do something or go somewhere they aren’t supposed to,” said Super Bowl Chief of Security, Rich Dixson. “But at the same time we have strict orders to immediately arrest and detain anyone who isn’t white for any reason.”
According to halftime show organizers, those wishing to participate in the halftime show just need to show up to the stadium prior to the end of the halftime show, and be white.
“If you want to wander around the field you just need to show up at the stadium at some point before the end of the halftime show. Oh, and you have to be white,” said Gripton. “We will have to turn people away after the game starts up again but, you know, if white people really, really want to go on the field during the game no one is gonna stop them. Someone might say something like ‘hey, you aren’t supposed to do that’ but that’s it. But white people know the drill. We’ve been doing things like this since, like, always.”