PHILADELPHIA, PA – Several cardboard cutouts of fans started a brawl during a recent Philadelphia Flyers hockey game.
“Just after the start of the third period a bunch of cardboard cutouts in the stands began fighting,” said Head of Security at Wells Fargo Center, Boyd Gleeson. “We had to remove about 20 cardboard cutouts, many of which were intoxicated and damaged from the fight. Between you and me… some of those cutouts were real assholes. As we were removing them a couple of them called my mother names and threatened to fight me in the parking lot after the game. And I’m pretty sure one of them threw a dead rabbit at me.”
The fight began after one cardboard cutout accidentally fell forward onto another.
“Reviewing the security footage, it appears as though one of the cardboard cutouts fell forward onto another cardboard cutout,” said Gleeson. “Then that cardboard cutout’s cardboard cutout girlfriend started yelling at a different cardboard cutout, you know calling it a whore and whatnot, and then a different cardboard cutout threw a beer at the cardboard cutout that started the whole thing and then all hell broke loose. So yeah, basically just a normal Flyers game.”
Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, fans are not allowed to attend Flyers games but, like many other teams, the Flyers organization has filled the Wells Fargo Center with cardboard cutouts of fans.
“Even though they are cardboard they are still from Philly so they are still assholes,” said Flyers President, David Occlid. “God bless our fans and all, but come on. You’ve been to Philly. We are a shitty group of people. Sure, we’ll give you the shirt off of our backs if you need it, but say Pat’s is better than Geno’s? Get the fuck outta here or you’ll be picking up your teeth from the pavement.”
According to arena security, alcohol may have been a contributing factor to the fight.
“At this point, we’re still reviewing the security footage to find out exactly how the alcohol was obtained,” said Gleeson. “We’re not 100% sure, but we think that one of the initial instigating cutouts smuggled it into the arena, possibly in their rectums, but really we’re not sure. That’s just pure speculation.”
Flyers and Wells Fargo Arena issued a joint statement stating that increased security measures will be taken to ensure no further fights between cardboard cutouts occur.
“Beginning with the next home game, there will be cardboard security cutouts stationed in each section,” said Occlid. “It’s really a shame that we have to do this, but you know, it’s Philly. We’re a bunch of assholes.”